Well , life can throw us a curve ball or we can be the one that throws it.
I went to see my brother in BC canada here. and i was set on being who i am. dont travel much and this was a big scary event. All for the cause that i have never really spent time with him ever because of our age difference. I had 2 other sisters 1 year apart of each other did alot of things and so we were pretty much stuck together for most of our younger years. The trip was as i thought it would be, bc was beautiful and my brother thought he knew me. He got confused because i am different from the rest of my family , i was myself in front of him. he was good mannered until the last night. i dont know what he was thinking
—- it reminded me of people around me , one minute they are good and then what they do not know makes them scared and they burst. Reflecting on what i just wrote . that sounds like me as i dont know myself and i burst for whatever reason i thought was reasonable. i realize knowing ones self well is a good thing. if this is too deep, i will continue with my blog here…….
the reason i went to see my brother started with ……. I felt a sturring or how can i express this hear. i dumped some junk., got tired of repeating the same stuff with the same results. didnt want to participate with family fueds anymore, i wanted change to happen in my life, i wanted to let go of the habitual anger our family shared which started to increase again after it was silent for a couple of years, personally i thought the gatherings were boring after my dad passed on and everyone was bored. i decided to teach my nieces kids art , they love this and then i planned my moms 75 birthday party with my sisters . which was a hit. i started to open up again. .so maybe this was what helped me decide to fly to see my bros.
the subject added here- making a small deep point. i wrote somewhere in the alliance or in a blog , that my son has been asking me to see who he really was , listen to him , let him talk without interuption, get a point across without being scolded, just simply spend time with him as an adult and not being treated as a child anymore . let him grow up and stop treating him like a 12 yr old , so he moved in with me to save money and have a roof over his head. we worked things out while he was here , well more so now then if he lived somewhere else. he told me plainly he was only going to be here with a purpose of his own. a challege he felt he needed to get across to me, so that we could stay closer than before. it was our road block, his triggers and my control issues needed to be cleaned up so for me i was grateful that he came for 2 month. i realized i never taught him how to be grateful and that it was hard to not be a smothering mother. its what i experienced growing up and my whole family still believes its the way to communicate. control and not really listen to ourself and\or to each other. because we know best . he left stating strongly , that this is not over but felt there was a change and gave me a hug. leaves me teary eyed now. when he was young , we did everythng together. and he knows what effort i put into our fun. he tells me so because he asked his friends why there parents, didnt do all the things he thought were natural to do … 100,000 things to do in 3 days every week end hahahaha. i run when i have fun… It hurt like heck to be around my son somethimes because he did not keep it inside and i gave him permission. i figured it was what i could give as a gift, to him to say whatever came out so that it was safer to really express what he was thinking.
so the end results is what happened is that i worked out some issues with my son while i started this course and to see myself thru my sons eyes… i actually thought that was a painful process. and i agreed to it , was vulnerable and maybe there was another way to go about it. but i took action .. now things are changing. I know i really do not know the whole of what i have in my hands here…. of what i have chosen in to do … the journey of self discovery thru this course… i am here. choosing in , making a difference in my life and in a result changing the interactions with others around me with love. so that i can have better results. i begin this day with love in my heart.